Saturday, August 4, 2012

Solace in Solitude (and vice-versa)

I often wonder, in times of distress, when we blame God or pray for respite, God would have just... shrugged his shoulders! Not out of indifference, nor out of callousness, neither out of the sadism we often accuse him of, but simply, because of having no say in our matters. Simply because, whatever distress we may be reeling under, was visited upon ourselves by the fellow humans we are doomed to share our spaces with, by the circumstances which erupt out of these damned encounters, of all the misery of having indifferent, callous and sadist people around us. God, I strongly believe, is just looking down with saddened eyes, drooping shoulders, despairing with us in our distress, for the lack of an agency to relieve us of it. And, it is precisely this empathy, this mutual communion in despair, that makes heaven what it is.
On earth, we are consistently pushed to acknowledge the futility of endeavouring towards a meaningful companionship. I guess, we are persistently made to experience the very singularity of our existence, in the entire multitude of mobs, people, relations, friends, family, everyone. We constantly have to face the loneliness we all carry within ourselves, that dark void we vainly try to illumine with the hope of ever fathoming it, that cold dungeon we dupe ourselves into believing could ever be conquered. 
Its this constant denying of our essential nature, this mad searching for a mate, and then that frugal celebration at having chanced upon someone who matches the list but who ultimately fails the entire purpose... this never dying craving for human companionship, where nothing could be more chimerical, is so exhausting. I am tired, I so am. I am tried of building relationships and then watch them crumble into a debris. I am sick of    camping down by the riverside, lush with promises of bounty and plenitude, with the hopes of establishing myself there, and then having to look for a new place because the land has just gone barren, all of a sudden. Its this constant heightening and crushing of hopes, I am tired of. Its this perpetual disappointment that makes me just so sick in my stomach, I am so emotionally "done for", that I truly do believe in the non-existence of a happy human relationship. I would rather doubt should I get across one. Things with the blackest core seem the rosiest on the surface.

After having borne the lashes of human misery, I finally arrive at the enlightenment- its no use shying away from solitude, since it is the only constant shadow that remains with us.
When I unknowingly glance out of the window, and looking at a lush green tree swaying in the breeze, that I realize not a single leaf sways the same way or in the same direction, its then I understand the immense solitude each one of us needs to negotiate with. We may stand together, we may live together, but we may never, out of no chanced or pre-determined possibilities of events, be in sync with any other being. Its a single course that we chart as life, and its a lonely road we tread, and any notions of an alternate reality carry their own demise.
God up there would just sit, and watch us tree leaves ruffling in the wind of times, and as he watches some of us drop down, or turn dry, he would just sit there and shrug... because none of it was his doing. He never wished it so. But then, who would you blame, God, the leaf which couldn't hold on, or the tree that let it go?

Its best to sit back and let the wind carry us. In the end, we all reach where we had to. Its only a lonely journey, altogether.  

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